Be a Better Man

Be a better man
(a learning process)
Written by Douglas Scofield, updated 9/11/2021

Every man has at least a few habits which could be modified or deleted. The good sense for making changes has to do with pursuing ways for healthy interactions with others, quite often. In recent years, I adjusted many of my habits. It seems I am not done, but here is some of what I already changed.

Many of these things also apply to women. Their pursuit to be better women is at least parallel to what I write here.

Wise?
What helps me recognize wisdom? Wisdom comes with age, but it isn't automatic. Sometimes, wisdom comes quietly, without much ado.

When I ask questions, I hope for answers. So, here's a bunch of questions, and it seems they help us find wisdom.

What leads toward stability? It seems the wise have a good stable footing.
What brings a swinging pendulum closer to the middle region of the potential swing? It seems the wise are moderate.
What describes the things which almost everyone agrees is reasonable and logical? People seem to listen to the wise, as if they have good things to say.
What falls within the category of common sense and progress toward long-term goals by which so many men and women can remain mostly content and satisfied? I like the way the wise think about others over the long-haul, and they are not so short-sighted.

Who or what defines reality? In search of an answer, the wise dig deep until the most likely case of reality is discovered and confirmed. Having identified fallacy or deception, wisdom refuses to use lies or fabrications to support core principles by which its lifestyle is built, even if loved ones will be left behind in this journey to live by what is real.

Courage
Courage is a companion of wisdom.
Even though the actual labor of doing what is wise might be arduous, and it might make me physically sore, or it might inflict some mental pain in my soul … if I still perceive the potential goodness of it (even if only some small emotional profit), then I may move forward to do it. There's a chance my confidence and courage could lead to a stronger me.
Practice makes perfect. Rinse and repeat. My hard work and accompanying soreness are like storms. The storms make trees stronger, and my life's storms make me stronger.
Moving forward despite risk of pain takes courage. Wisdom seeks to weigh the risk, and on the green light (with help from the Spirit of God), courage walks right into the fire … fire being a metaphor for risk.

Communication

1. Criticize only to call forth accuracy from the one with whom I speak.

   Examples: I ask my neighbor to use correct pronunciation; I request the full story, or at least request more details about their story, for clarity's sake; we revisit the math, to ensure the math is done correctly.

2. Infrequently use a respectful complaining method (without accusing), instead of using a personal attack which may demean or disrespect my neighbor.

      Try describing an issue and request something the individual might do better for completing what is his or her part for resolving the issue. No sarcasm and not allowing for yourself a whining tone. Use questions and listen well.

       Example: “Can you show me some of your thoughts which led you to do what you did?”

In years past, I thought my complaints should touch on what I feel. However I found it can cause unnecessary hurt when I insert blame upon others in my complaint. Blame often includes unsaid assumptions. “I don't like what you did to me” (What is unsaid is “ … and you did it on purpose, too!) “I felt deeply hurt when you said you hate me.” (What is unsaid is “... and I really think you truly hate me, which means you are so evil”). “It seems like you do not listen to hear all of what I say, and you do not seem to want to know the full meaning of what I said just now.” (What is unsaid is “... and you don't care about me”).

Though I might experience injustice at the hand of others, it is often pointless to disclose to them what I feel. If they really wanted to know how I feel, they would ask me. So, it seems best not to complain about how I feel, unless my neighbor clearly shows they want to know it.

Those who resent being blamed may be very tangled up with their own set of useless habits. It is good to want to help them get rid of such habits, but the opportunity to help needs to be invited by them. Any discussion about their personal habits or duties may need to be very short and only infrequently. Maybe drop a hint by asking a simple question.

Those who complain about how they feel are often thought to be self-centered. If I express how I feel and it angered my neighbor, its time to back off. This is not because of lack of courage; rather it is for preserving relationship. It's not time for war (at least not yet).

Those who do not take offense when I share how I feel are those who are at least somewhat curious and they want to discover my perspective. This is because they built some trust toward me. It's not time to wreck that trust. If they ask to understand what I see, they may offer their response showing that they either walk with me or they cannot walk with me. The best is to accept that response with respect.

Friends patiently explain the way they see things. It may take days, weeks or months. Through it all, they assure one another of their care for each other.

Rather than expecting those who are not my friends to be a good listener, I resolve to use effective listening skills with them. This is a show of respect, even when I cannot agree with their view (and I might non-violently reveal that to them). If my example as a listener inspires them, well and good, but it need not happen. Their personal journey is theirs, and they need not arrive to what I have discovered in my life's journey. Their refusal to build trust toward me is their choice. My efforts to manipulate them toward trusting me is actually my quiet (subtle) war against them. It's not time for war.

A small personal war with someone can only be useful when I care about others whom that someone is attacking, and now I feel compelled to defend my neighbor who is being attacked or oppressed.

My violence in a personal war is never warranted for defending myself, when I am the only one who is being attacked. This is because my commitment to love goes all the way to the extent of being willing to sacrifice whatever is mine. If the love shows as an example for others to follow, I served an important purpose by taking the violence against me with courage. The natural consequence to my attacker will bear down upon him, when and how ever the surrounding bystanders see fit.

When I survive an attack, my next task is to forgive my attacker. It is often not so easy to do, and it may take months of effort within my soul. My friends are able to help me, even if they don't have a degree in psychology.